What Are Boundaries? Understanding Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Boundaries are personal limits or guidelines we use to feel safe and comfortable. They are an important part of navigating any kind of relationship. Boundaries can help us communicate what we are comfortable with, what we are not comfortable with and what we need from ourselves and others.

Think of Boundaries Like a Backyard

Although they can be tricky to understand, we can think of boundaries as being like someone’s backyard. Each person gets to choose what activities they like to have happening in their backyard and who they want to invite to participate. 

For example, someone might enjoy hugs and invite people they are close to hug them without needing to ask beforehand. Boundaries are unique to every person, and they can grow and change over time as our relationships do. 

The level of trust and comfort someone has with a romantic partner or family member might be very different than the ones they have with a stranger or teacher. Going back to our earlier example, this might look like not accepting hugs from strangers or from people who don’t ask permission.  

Boundaries Can Look Different for Everyone

Boundaries can apply to many different parts of our lives. 

This can include what physical touch we are comfortable with, how we choose to spend our time, what information we share with others or keep private (in person or online) and what kinds of people we want to build relationships with.

What feels comfortable for one person may not feel comfortable for another, and that’s okay.

Setting Boundaries Takes Practice

Knowing what our boundaries are and setting them takes practice. Sometimes, when someone’s actions feel hurtful to us, we may feel the urge to impose boundaries on them, effectively directing what they can do in their backyard or who they can invite over. 

Setting a boundary can be as simple as saying, “I don’t want a hug right now,” “I’m not comfortable talking about that” or “I need some time alone.” We can communicate what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with.

Respecting Other People’s Boundaries

It is important to remember that boundaries are guidelines or limits we set for ourselves; they are not an opportunity to assert power and control over someone else. 

We can decide what we are comfortable with in our backyard, but we cannot control what someone else chooses to do in theirs. As we continue to build relationships with others, people may cross our boundaries, and we may cross theirs. 

Although navigating these situations can be difficult, we must remember that boundaries are part of the necessary work to build healthy relationships with ourselves and others. 

Respecting someone else’s boundaries can mean listening when they say no, asking permission when we are unsure and accepting that their boundaries may be different from our own. Sometimes, we may not understand someone else’s boundary, but we can still respect it.

With time and practice, setting and respecting boundaries gets easier. It allows us to build and maintain healthy relationships from a place of trust and mutual respect.

YWCA Relate offers a free, interactive workshop series that helps youth build healthy relationships, strengthen communication skills and develop the confidence to advocate for themselves and others while building the skills to prevent relationship violence. To learn more, visit ywcabc.org/relate.