Abuse isn’t always black and blue: emotional barriers to leaving abuse

This is the first of a series of posts from our #NotThatEasy campaign. Stay tuned this week as we talk more about the barriers women face when trying to leave an abusive relationship.

An abusive relationship often involves a confusing mix of love, fear, dependency, intimidation, guilt and hope. Life together can involve children, pets, finances and a home, not to mention a shared history. 

From love for their partner (many women don’t necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop) to the hope things will change (an abuser’s good qualities, including affection and companionship, and their expressions of remorse over the abuse can keep hope alive), the emotional barriers to leaving are significant.

And if the internal conflict a woman feels isn’t enough, typically violent partners are also emotionally abusive. According to Statistics Canada, 7 out of 10 victims of physical or sexual violence in their intimate partner relationships report being emotionally abused.  Many women reported to us that the emotional abuse was the worst part.  

So what is emotional abuse and what can we do to help?

Emotional abuse can include: 

• Threats
• Intimidation
• Demeaning, degrading verbal and/or body language
• Control
• Isolation
• Subordination
• Humiliation

A woman may suffer loss of self-esteem and experience feelings of shame, anxiety, hopelessness, depression and terror—all of which undermine her self-confidence and leave her feeling stressed and exhausted.   

You can make a difference

If you witness a friend or relative being emotionally abusive to their partner, this is what you can do.  First, assess safety.  If you feel that you, the woman or anyone else present is in immediate danger, call 911. If they are not, try to respectfully intervene and show you are not okay with the emotional abuse.  

Things you could do include:

• Show you notice what is happening, and look concerned about it
• Show your support by standing beside the woman
• Ask if she is okay, or needs help (respecting her choice of whether she does or not)
• If you feel safe, ask to speak alone with him. Address his specific behaviour, not him as a person
• If he is open to talking, let him know counselling services are available through BC211

How you can support a woman you suspect is being abused

• Believe her
• Respect her decisions
• Ask if she wants to talk about it
• Let her know she is not alone 
• Tell her the abuse is not her fault
• Tell her you appreciate her and value her as a person
• Connect her with supports and resources if she’s ready

It’s important to remember: 

• Don’t tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave
• Don’t push her before she is ready
• Don’t make her feel bad for staying
• Don’t tell her to go back to the situation
• Don’t tell her to stay for the sake of the children
• Don’t be angry with her if she does decide to go back (many women return to abusive situations before they finally leave) 
• Don’t talk to her partner about it

If you are being abused:

• Remember, you are not alone
• Talk to someone you trust

At the YWCA, we offer programs and services for women leaving abusive relationships.

Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s not that easy. 

YWCA Week without Violence (October 13-19) is a national week of violence prevention. To learn more about #NotThatEasy visit our campaign page. Tomorrow’s post will cover another barrier women face when trying to leave an abusive relationship: children / family breakdown. Stay tuned and get involved by downloading our poster and Facebook cover photo and uploading them to your profile.